Spare a thought for the long-suffering diving instructor who has to cope with would-be divers like this one, spotted by Mike Ward
DAY ONE:booking the course AFTERNOON, LAD, GET THY FEET OF'T DESK AND PAY ATTENTION. Ah want to learn 'ow ter do this Scubbering. Tha knows, lad, scubbering. Scubber diving? It ses outside yer a Scubber School, is that reet or not? It is, is it? Gradely. Ah reckons, however, that afore we goes too far ah needs to know if tha's got anybody 'ere as can understand English? Ah wouldn't want to learn from some dim beggar as can't talk proper, an' it seems to me that tha's either deaf or daft. Which is it? Ah'll believe thee, lad, thousands wouldn't. Tell me abaht yer scubber course, then. It teks 'ow long? What do yer think I am, some kind of idiot? It can't be that difficult, I've seen wimmin doin' it. Only on't telly, mind, ah wouldn't want thee getting wrong idea. And it costs 'ow much? Bloomin' 'ummer! Does tha not know 'ow far it is to Morecambe from Barnsley, all across't Pennines for a start? Cost me an arm an' a leg it 'as, and now tha wants t'other arm and leg. Does tha think ah'm made of bloomin' money? Don't grow on trees, yer know. Cost me honest sweat and hard labour. Mind you, that'll be the price you charges before me discount. What discount? Ah'll tell thee what discount, lad, the discount as tha's going to give me for patronising this establishment and not goin' to Blackpool. See, lad, that weren't so difficult, were it? I can tell we're going to get along a treat. When can we start? Nay, lad, I aren't bothered when yer next course is due to start, ah wants to know when I can start. If it's any 'elp, ah've got me own trunks and towel wi me reet now. Ah know it's 'alf past four. And ah'm not surprised you shut at five. That gives us 'alf an 'our, surely we could 'ave most on it cracked through by then? You aren't the instructor? And the instructor in't here? Reet. Why does that not surprise me? Tomorrow morning then, but that'll be a bit more discount for't inconvenience.
DAY TWO:diving theory What the 'eck are we doing in 'ere? Last time I were in a classroom, ah were stood in't corner wi' a pointed cap on me 'ead. And who the 'eck are you? The instructor? But you're a woman! I can't learn from a woman. Think 'ow it would look if the pigeon-racing society ivver found aht. I'll grant you this, mind, tha'll be grand in a diving suit. Don't give me sexist, lass, I speak as I find and allus 'ave. Asn't tha got a bloke 'as can teach me? Thou 'asn't? All reet, lass, but I'll need a bigger discount. What do we do first? Theory. What do we need theory for? Seems to me as ah get in't watter, ah sink. When ah've 'ad enough ah come up and get out. 'Ow much more is there to it than that? All right, then, ah'll watch thy video, give thee time to file thy nails I expect, but ah don't need all this bloomin' 'and-'olding, ah could just get on wi it, tha knows. Aye, it were a very nice programme, but it were not filmed off Grimsby, were it? Equipment next. Abaht time we started on summat important, though why the 'ell are we talking abaht snorkels? If ah'd wanted to go snorkelling, ah'd 'ave booked a snorkelling course. And now we're doing some kind of physics review. Physics! The only thing I ivver enjoyed abaht physics was when me and Sparrer Wainwright wired up Mester Gowan's seat to't mains. Oh, and the odd glimpse of Julie Blue's knickers if she 'ad to sit on't low stool. Sorry, love, just reminiscing a bit. 'Ow much longer will it be afore we get in't watter?
DAY THREE:confined water training This is more like it, though I can't see any need for a swimmin' pool when we're at seaside. Ah'll grant you it's warmer than the Irish Sea, but ah'm not soft, tha knows, ah'm from Barnsley. And you do know what people do in swimming pools, don't you? Nay, lass, ah'll put me own kit together. No offence, but you're a woman and women and mechanicals just aren't reet. 'Urry up, lass, it isn't that complicated. No, ah've nivver assembled a scubber set in me life afore, it were just obvious where everything goes. You stick to looking alreet in a bathing suit, lass, and leave the mechanical stuff to a man. Ah'll sithi on't bottom, alreet? Eeh that's grand! Quiet and peaceful. Spoke too soon, 'ere she comes. Jeez, she's drowning! Up we go! Well, you should have said you were going to show me 'ow to clear a regulator, you daft beggar. 'Ow was I to know? Still, you're out of the water safe and sound. Mind, I'm going to need more discount for the stress. Back under we go. Take me mask off under water. Why? It's perfectly watertight and dry, thank you very much. So ah can do it if I have to? Ah can, lass. Ah don't 'ave to do it just to prove it to you. I do 'ave to do it if ah want to pass t'course? Ah can't say as ah likes thy attitude much. There. Ah told thee ah could do it.
DAY FOUR:open water training Finally, beneath the waves! Oh, fer goodness sake! We're not goin' through yon tedious mask and regulator clearing again, are we? We are? See, ah can still do it. Getting' me 'ead down for a few 'ours' kip 'asn't driven it from me brain. Yes, you go on ahead and I'll just follow thee. Ay oop, ah've nivver seen one o' them afore, at least not unless it were served wi' salt and vinegar and wrapped in last week's Barnsley Chronicle. Now where did she go? Oh, well, ah'll just 'ave a bit of a swim round an' then go find 'er. Must be worth a bit of a discount, 'er abandoning me like that. Calm dahn, love. Ah've found yer. No, it's this way. Ah said, it's this way. The only land we'd see that way is Ireland. Aye, clever lass, look at yer compass. See, ah told yer it were this way. You can't teach a pigeon man much about navigating.
DAY FOUR:back at the dive centre Piece o' cake, this scubber is, lad. Now, where's me bill? Ah don't see 'ow thou 'as the gall to charge folk that much fer summat so easy ter learn. Not that it'll matter in my case, will it, lad? Add me discounts together and ah reckon as thou owes me money.