The trainee from hell
Divernet
Spare a thought for the long-suffering diving instructor who has to cope with would-be divers like this one, spotted by Mike Ward

DAY ONE: booking the course
AFTERNOON, LAD, GET THY FEET OFT DESK AND PAY ATTENTION.
    Ah want to learn ow ter do this Scubbering. Tha knows, lad, scubbering. Scubber diving
    It ses outside yer a Scubber School, is that reet or not
    It is, is it Gradely. Ah reckons, however, that afore we goes too far ah needs to know if thas got anybody ere as can understand English Ah wouldnt want to learn from some dim beggar as cant talk proper, an it seems to me that thas either deaf or daft. Which is it
    Ahll believe thee, lad, thousands wouldnt. Tell me abaht yer scubber course, then.
    It teks ow long What do yer think I am, some kind of idiot It cant be that difficult, Ive seen wimmin doin it. Only ont telly, mind, ah wouldnt want thee getting wrong idea.
    And it costs ow much Bloomin ummer! Does tha not know ow far it is to Morecambe from Barnsley, all acrosst Pennines for a start Cost me an arm an a leg it as, and now tha wants tother arm and leg. Does tha think ahm made of bloomin money Dont grow on trees, yer know. Cost me honest sweat and hard labour.
    Mind you, thatll be the price you charges before me discount. What discount Ahll tell thee what discount, lad, the discount as thas going to give me for patronising this establishment and not goin to Blackpool.
    See, lad, that werent so difficult, were it I can tell were going to get along a treat.
    When can we start
    Nay, lad, I arent bothered when yer next course is due to start, ah wants to know when I can start. If its any elp, ahve got me own trunks and towel wi me reet now.
    Ah know its alf past four. And ahm not surprised you shut at five. That gives us alf an our, surely we could ave most on it cracked through by then
    You arent the instructor And the instructor int here Reet. Why does that not surprise me Tomorrow morning then, but thatll be a bit more discount fort inconvenience.

DAY TWO: diving theory
    What the eck are we doing in ere Last time I were in a classroom, ah were stood int corner wi a pointed cap on me ead. And who the eck are you The instructor But youre a woman!
    I cant learn from a woman. Think ow it would look if the pigeon-racing society ivver found aht.
    Ill grant you this, mind, thall be grand in a diving suit. Dont give me sexist, lass, I speak as I find and allus ave.
    Asnt tha got a bloke as can teach me
    Thou asnt All reet, lass, but Ill need a bigger discount.
    What do we do first Theory. What do we need theory for Seems to me as ah get int watter, ah sink. When ahve ad enough ah come up and get out. Ow much more is there to it than that
    All right, then, ahll watch thy video, give thee time to file thy nails I expect, but ah dont need all this bloomin and-olding, ah could just get on wi it, tha knows.
    Aye, it were a very nice programme, but it were not filmed off Grimsby, were it
    Equipment next. Abaht time we started on summat important, though why the ell are we talking abaht snorkels If ahd wanted to go snorkelling, ahd ave booked a snorkelling course.
    And now were doing some kind of physics review. Physics! The only thing I ivver enjoyed abaht physics was when me and Sparrer Wainwright wired up Mester Gowans seat tot mains. Oh, and the odd glimpse of Julie Blues knickers if she ad to sit ont low stool.
    Sorry, love, just reminiscing a bit.
    Ow much longer will it be afore we get int watter

src=http://diverfiles.net-genie.co.uk/data/images/0704trainee2.jpg
DAY THREE: confined water training
    This is more like it, though I cant see any need for a swimmin pool when were at seaside. Ahll grant you its warmer than the Irish Sea, but ahm not soft, tha knows, ahm from Barnsley. And you do know what people do in swimming pools, dont you
    Nay, lass, ahll put me own kit together. No offence, but youre a woman and women and mechanicals just arent reet.
    Urry up, lass, it isnt that complicated. No, ahve nivver assembled a scubber set in me life afore, it were just obvious where everything goes. You stick to looking alreet in a bathing suit, lass, and leave the mechanical stuff to a man.
    Ahll sithi ont bottom, alreet
    Eeh thats grand! Quiet and peaceful.
    Spoke too soon, ere she comes.
    Jeez, shes drowning! Up we go!
    Well, you should have said you were going to show me ow to clear a regulator, you daft beggar. Ow was I to know Still, youre out of the water safe and sound.
    Mind, Im going to need more discount for the stress.
    Back under we go.
    Take me mask off under water. Why Its perfectly watertight and dry, thank you very much.
    So ah can do it if I have to Ah can, lass. Ah dont ave to do it just to prove it to you.
    I do ave to do it if ah want to pass tcourse Ah cant say as ah likes thy attitude much. There. Ah told thee ah could do it.

DAY FOUR: open water training
    Finally, beneath the waves!
    Oh, fer goodness sake! Were not goin through yon tedious mask and regulator clearing again, are we
    We are See, ah can still do it. Getting me ead down for a few ours kip asnt driven it from me brain.
    Yes, you go on ahead and Ill just follow thee.
    Ay oop, ahve nivver seen one o them afore, at least not unless it were served wi salt and vinegar and wrapped in last weeks Barnsley Chronicle.
    Now where did she go
    Oh, well, ahll just ave a bit of a swim round an then go find er. Must be worth a bit of a discount, er abandoning me like that.
    Calm dahn, love. Ahve found yer. No, its this way. Ah said, its this way. The only land wed see that way is Ireland.
    Aye, clever lass, look at yer compass.
    See, ah told yer it were this way. You cant teach a pigeon man much about navigating.

DAY FOUR: back at the dive centre
    Piece o cake, this scubber is, lad. Now, wheres me bill
    Ah dont see ow thou as the gall to charge folk that much fer summat so easy ter learn. Not that itll matter in my case, will it, lad Add me discounts together and ah reckon as thou owes me money.

Start a Forum discussion on this topic